Tennis, anyone?

Gentlemen, meet Maria Kirilenko. Maria Kirilenko meet…oh hell, never mind. Just have those restraining orders handy.

Russia’s latest gift to WTA television ratings is doing her part to sell women’s tennis to, well, those of us who really couldn’t care less and, unlike one of her predecessors,

Anna Kournikova, actually knows how to win in her sport, racking up five singles wins on the WTA Tour. And while Kournikova certainly looked hot being a complete and utter loser on the court, she did make a lot of headlines for being the cream in the Pavel Bure-Sergei Fedorov Oreo cookie and dumping Enrique Iglesias which, in hindsight, should get her a medal.

But back to Kirilenko. Her parents are Olga and Yuri – gee, strange names for Russian parents, huh? – and she is coached by some lucky dude named Eric Van Harpen. No, dumbass,
he’s not a guitarist. Sports Illustrated let her do a bikini spread in their annual Swimsuit Issue and only the yummiest of the yummy get that plum gig.

Kirilenko’s shocking first-round upset at Roland Garros sucks for most of us, for obvious reasons, but saves you having to explain to the missus why the hell you are watching women’s tennis for two weeks straight.

Just when life couldn’t get any better, turns out Kirilenko and Maria Sharapova are close friends. Which makes you wonder why you didn’t become a tennis umpire. Oh, um, a ball boy.