Stanley Cup Final too close to call? Here's a tale of the tape...

LAZINESS ALERT: This was written for Hockey.com a year ago but, with the same two teams set to resume their kick-in-the-balls dance yet again, I'm taking the copy-adnd-paste route. Oh, and Pittsburgh in 6.

OK, with little to give between the Detroit Red Wings and Pittsburgh Penguins in the Stanley Cup final we figured we'd try to tip the balance in someone's favor the only way we know how.

A tale of the tape between the two cities.

Granted, this isn't exactly Orlando and Scottsdale we're talking, but it's not our fault the states of Florida and Arizona have hockey teams that couldn't hit water if they fell out of a boat, is it?

And hey, both Detroit and Pittsburgh have those tough, blue collar sports fans, just how we like ‘em.
Let's break down who's got what goin' on when it comes to the two cities:

POPULATION: According to sources - OK, it was my buddy after half a dozen beers last night -Detroit has over 886,000 residents, which makes it the 11th-largest city in the good ol' US of A. Pittsburgh comes in 57th, give or take, with just over 310,000, which is about the same number of people that will end up in Motown holding cells should the Pistons and Red Wings both win championships this spring. EDGE: Detroit

RESIDENTS: The fine denizens of Pittsburgh call themselves Pittsburgers. In Detroit, they are known as - wait for it - Detroiters. Wow, you can just hear the wheels of originality spinning, can't you? Sorry, PA, but a Pittsburgher sounds like something you would harden your arteries with at some dive fast-food joint. And not all that appetizing. EDGE: Detroit

CITY NICKNAMES: Pittsburgh is known as Steel City, City of Bridges, City of Champions - huh?! - and the ‘Burgh. Detroit has Motor City, Motown, Rock City and the D -- we assume because Big D was taken by those bloody Dallasers...er, Dallasonians. Either way, this one is too close to call. We like the ‘Burgh, but KISS, Bob Seger and Steve Wonder kick ass. EDGE: Even

SPORTS TEAMS: The Pirates, Penguins and Steelers? City of Champions? Pfft. Maybe 15 years ago, yeah. Well, save for the Steelers. Across the Ambassador Bridge, we've got the Tigers, Red Wings, Pistons and Lions. Really. Lions. Stop laughing now, kiddies. If the Lions and Tigers could win something in the past 24 years, Detroit would probably win this one going away. Which is what most Detroiters wish the Lions would do. EDGE: Slight edge Detroit, because they have a basketball team.

FAMOUS PEOPLE: Now this isn't to say all these people were born in the city, but rather where they considered "home". Stop splitting hairs.

PITTSBURGH: Andy Warhol, Perry Como, Honus Wagner, Johnny Unitas, Dan Marino, Fred Rogers, Gene Kelly, Sharon Stone

DETROIT: Selma Blair, Sonny Bono, Alice Cooper, Henry Ford, Aretha Franklin, Kid Rock, Tommy Hearns, Casey Kasem, Joe Louis, Madonna, Eminem, Ted Nugent, Smokey Robinson, Diana Ross, Bob Seger, Tom Selleck, Robin Williams, Pam Dawber, Stevie Wonder

BOTTOM LINE: We admit it, Sharon Stone almost evened the scale out until we saw Selma Blair was from Detroit. Cancel those two dolls out. Mr. Rogers/Casey Kasem is a wash and we know what

Kid Rock would do to Perry Como if the two ever met in a Waffle House. Oh, and Detroit is home to both Mork AND Mindy. Shazbot. EDGE: Detroit

CRIME: Yikes. That about covers it. EDGE: Pittsburgh

ARENA: The Joe is named after one of the best ever , and that thing in the ‘Burgh looks like it dropped out of the sky, landed in a parking lot and out walked ET. Still, any place with the world "Mellon" in it, no matter how it is spelled, gets our vote. Sorry, Joe. EDGE: Pittsburgh

RIVERS: The Allegheny and Monongahela rivers meet to form the Ohio River in Pittsburgh while the Detroit River separates Motown from Windsor, Ont. We wouldn't force our children to drink from any of them, unless we want them to grow an extra head or two. EDGE: Even

HOCKEY TRADITION: The Red Wings boast the

Octopus twirl, Gordie Howe and Stevie Y. Pittsburgh claims Mario Lemieux, Sidney Crosby and previous bankruptcy hearings. EDGE: Detroit

So, there you have it. Just like the Stanley Cup final itself, this one is too close to call. Detroit or Pittsburgh? Flip a coin.

Oh, and to those living in these two cities, chin up. No offense intended. After all, it isn't Buffalo...

Peter Zezel class act right to the end

You never heard Peter Zezel complain, even when he knew he was heading into the twilight of his all-too-brief life.

On borrowed time or not, it just wasn’t his style.

The hockey world lost a gem Tuesday when Zezel passed away after his family made the cut-wrenching decision to take him off life support following complications during surgery to remove his spleen. He had been battling haemolytic anaemia, a rare blood disorder, for the past decade.

He was just 44 years old.

Drafted by the Philadelphia Flyers, Zezel, who quickly became a heart throb to legions of young ladies in Philly, set a Flyers’ rookie record for assists in 1984-85 and was a vital cog for the Toronto Maple Leafs in back-to-back runs to the Western Conference final in 1993 and 1994.

Considered one of hockey’ clutch faceoff men, Zezel retired from hockey following the 1998-99 season.

Despite his condition, Zezel remained active in the Toronto community and conducted hockey/soccer/golf camps in Markham, Ont.

In recent years, even as his weight ballooned due to his condition, even as his clock ticked down, Zezel never gave in. He was a regular guest on TSN’s Off The Record, conducted his camps, coached his hockey teams, bettered his community.

A class act until his final hours.

And now Peter Zezel is gone, far too soon.

And if that team north of the clouds is looking for a centreman to shut down those other guys, their guy has just arrived at camp.

NHL line combinations we have to see

LAZINESS ALERT: I originally wrote this tongue-in-cheek piece for Hockey.com, where I reigned as Senior Editor until the powers-that-be insisted on walking away from their multi-million dollar investment and folding up the tent. NOTE: Do your homework before resigning from a lucrative gig of seven years to join a pie-in-the-sky group of "visionaries". I didn't.

OK. It's official. I've got way too much time on my hands.

Sometimes, as a youngster with nothing to do, I would mull over what bands should tour together simply because of their nickname. You know, Styx and the Stones. Beatles and Scorpions. Queen and Prince. Meat Loaf and Black Eyed Peas.

Do I not just scream "loser", or what?

And now, as luck would have it - or, for those reading this, bad luck - my warped mind has carried over to hockey. In dire need of a hobby, I've taken some time to compile a list of hockey lines we'd like to see. Pull a trade or two, convert a goalie to forward, whatever it takes to get these guys together.

In an effort to attract new fans, it's time to think outside the box:

Bass-Fisher-Gill seems a perfect fit, preferably on the Sharks.

Expansion into Vegas wouldn't be complete without a line of Abid-Card-Betts-Price.

For the hippie generation, outside of a dime bag and a Volkswagen van, we need Crosby, Stillman, Nash and Young. Groovy.

Eager-Boyes-Bonk. Well, most do. But eager ones moreso.

Foster-Parent. No need for another winger.

Kid having a hard time learning a stick shift? Park-Orr-Staal.

Brown-Green-White-Redden. Someone, somewhere, draft a Black.

Yelle or Moen. And get your mind out of the gutter.

Pohl-Peca-Pronger-Johnson. See line above.

The restaurant crowd could eat their sushi and lobster while watching Cooke-Burns-Finger.

Those with a fondness for the wintry Yuletide season will stay in the spirit all year long cheering for Fleury-Friesen-Bell.

You will teach your kids a crash course in home safety watching Fehr-Sharp-Glass.

Remember that cute, petite tramp from the high school track team? Quick-Little-Hussey.

Camping would never be the same after watching Park-Ranger. Tried to use Walker and Ranger together but, last we checked, the league was missing a Texas.

Time to bring a certain Blackhawk back into the league to create Daze-Orr-Weekes.

The music crowd could be converted to hockey fans singing the praises of a Fiddler-Funk-Hinote line.

Know anyone who likes to hunt but has bad aim? Hunter-May-Parrish.

My ex-roommate from college had no money, no place to live, no job and had just crummy attitude. Sauer-Little-Leach.

If you don't want any more kids yet refuse to practice safe sex, Moore-May-Yelle from the crib one day soon.

And, just like this column, we can't find anywhere to use Witt...