LAZINESS ALERT: I originally wrote this tongue-in-cheek piece for Hockey.com, where I reigned as Senior Editor until the powers-that-be insisted on walking away from their multi-million dollar investment and folding up the tent. NOTE: Do your homework before resigning from a lucrative gig of seven years to join a pie-in-the-sky group of "visionaries". I didn't.
OK. It's official. I've got way too much time on my hands.
Sometimes, as a youngster with nothing to do, I would mull over what bands should tour together simply because of their nickname. You know, Styx and the Stones. Beatles and Scorpions. Queen and Prince. Meat Loaf and Black Eyed Peas.
Do I not just scream "loser", or what?
And now, as luck would have it - or, for those reading this, bad luck - my warped mind has carried over to hockey. In dire need of a hobby, I've taken some time to compile a list of hockey lines we'd like to see. Pull a trade or two, convert a goalie to forward, whatever it takes to get these guys together.
In an effort to attract new fans, it's time to think outside the box:
Bass-Fisher-Gill seems a perfect fit, preferably on the Sharks.
Expansion into Vegas wouldn't be complete without a line of Abid-Card-Betts-Price.
For the hippie generation, outside of a dime bag and a Volkswagen van, we need Crosby, Stillman, Nash and Young. Groovy.
Eager-Boyes-Bonk. Well, most do. But eager ones moreso.
Foster-Parent. No need for another winger.
Kid having a hard time learning a stick shift? Park-Orr-Staal.
Brown-Green-White-Redden. Someone, somewhere, draft a Black.
Yelle or Moen. And get your mind out of the gutter.
Pohl-Peca-Pronger-Johnson. See line above.
The restaurant crowd could eat their sushi and lobster while watching Cooke-Burns-Finger.
Those with a fondness for the wintry Yuletide season will stay in the spirit all year long cheering for Fleury-Friesen-Bell.
You will teach your kids a crash course in home safety watching Fehr-Sharp-Glass.
Remember that cute, petite tramp from the high school track team? Quick-Little-Hussey.
Camping would never be the same after watching Park-Ranger. Tried to use Walker and Ranger together but, last we checked, the league was missing a Texas.
Time to bring a certain Blackhawk back into the league to create Daze-Orr-Weekes.
The music crowd could be converted to hockey fans singing the praises of a Fiddler-Funk-Hinote line.
Know anyone who likes to hunt but has bad aim? Hunter-May-Parrish.
My ex-roommate from college had no money, no place to live, no job and had just crummy attitude. Sauer-Little-Leach.
If you don't want any more kids yet refuse to practice safe sex, Moore-May-Yelle from the crib one day soon.
And, just like this column, we can't find anywhere to use Witt...
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