Stanley Cup Final too close to call? Here's a tale of the tape...

LAZINESS ALERT: This was written for Hockey.com a year ago but, with the same two teams set to resume their kick-in-the-balls dance yet again, I'm taking the copy-adnd-paste route. Oh, and Pittsburgh in 6.

OK, with little to give between the Detroit Red Wings and Pittsburgh Penguins in the Stanley Cup final we figured we'd try to tip the balance in someone's favor the only way we know how.

A tale of the tape between the two cities.

Granted, this isn't exactly Orlando and Scottsdale we're talking, but it's not our fault the states of Florida and Arizona have hockey teams that couldn't hit water if they fell out of a boat, is it?

And hey, both Detroit and Pittsburgh have those tough, blue collar sports fans, just how we like ‘em.
Let's break down who's got what goin' on when it comes to the two cities:

POPULATION: According to sources - OK, it was my buddy after half a dozen beers last night -Detroit has over 886,000 residents, which makes it the 11th-largest city in the good ol' US of A. Pittsburgh comes in 57th, give or take, with just over 310,000, which is about the same number of people that will end up in Motown holding cells should the Pistons and Red Wings both win championships this spring. EDGE: Detroit

RESIDENTS: The fine denizens of Pittsburgh call themselves Pittsburgers. In Detroit, they are known as - wait for it - Detroiters. Wow, you can just hear the wheels of originality spinning, can't you? Sorry, PA, but a Pittsburgher sounds like something you would harden your arteries with at some dive fast-food joint. And not all that appetizing. EDGE: Detroit

CITY NICKNAMES: Pittsburgh is known as Steel City, City of Bridges, City of Champions - huh?! - and the ‘Burgh. Detroit has Motor City, Motown, Rock City and the D -- we assume because Big D was taken by those bloody Dallasers...er, Dallasonians. Either way, this one is too close to call. We like the ‘Burgh, but KISS, Bob Seger and Steve Wonder kick ass. EDGE: Even

SPORTS TEAMS: The Pirates, Penguins and Steelers? City of Champions? Pfft. Maybe 15 years ago, yeah. Well, save for the Steelers. Across the Ambassador Bridge, we've got the Tigers, Red Wings, Pistons and Lions. Really. Lions. Stop laughing now, kiddies. If the Lions and Tigers could win something in the past 24 years, Detroit would probably win this one going away. Which is what most Detroiters wish the Lions would do. EDGE: Slight edge Detroit, because they have a basketball team.

FAMOUS PEOPLE: Now this isn't to say all these people were born in the city, but rather where they considered "home". Stop splitting hairs.

PITTSBURGH: Andy Warhol, Perry Como, Honus Wagner, Johnny Unitas, Dan Marino, Fred Rogers, Gene Kelly, Sharon Stone

DETROIT: Selma Blair, Sonny Bono, Alice Cooper, Henry Ford, Aretha Franklin, Kid Rock, Tommy Hearns, Casey Kasem, Joe Louis, Madonna, Eminem, Ted Nugent, Smokey Robinson, Diana Ross, Bob Seger, Tom Selleck, Robin Williams, Pam Dawber, Stevie Wonder

BOTTOM LINE: We admit it, Sharon Stone almost evened the scale out until we saw Selma Blair was from Detroit. Cancel those two dolls out. Mr. Rogers/Casey Kasem is a wash and we know what

Kid Rock would do to Perry Como if the two ever met in a Waffle House. Oh, and Detroit is home to both Mork AND Mindy. Shazbot. EDGE: Detroit

CRIME: Yikes. That about covers it. EDGE: Pittsburgh

ARENA: The Joe is named after one of the best ever , and that thing in the ‘Burgh looks like it dropped out of the sky, landed in a parking lot and out walked ET. Still, any place with the world "Mellon" in it, no matter how it is spelled, gets our vote. Sorry, Joe. EDGE: Pittsburgh

RIVERS: The Allegheny and Monongahela rivers meet to form the Ohio River in Pittsburgh while the Detroit River separates Motown from Windsor, Ont. We wouldn't force our children to drink from any of them, unless we want them to grow an extra head or two. EDGE: Even

HOCKEY TRADITION: The Red Wings boast the

Octopus twirl, Gordie Howe and Stevie Y. Pittsburgh claims Mario Lemieux, Sidney Crosby and previous bankruptcy hearings. EDGE: Detroit

So, there you have it. Just like the Stanley Cup final itself, this one is too close to call. Detroit or Pittsburgh? Flip a coin.

Oh, and to those living in these two cities, chin up. No offense intended. After all, it isn't Buffalo...